What the Hell Do You Do When You Realize Your Husband Has Asperger’s?

Posted by: on Feb 8, 2012 | No Comments

This article was originally posed on The Good Men Project website.

You can find the questionnaire for the Asbergers test  here.   http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php.

And there is another one here

And you can buy the book here.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch

When he was 30 years old, David Finch’s wife, Kristen, sat him down and asked him a series of odd questions:

“Do you notice patterns in things all the time?”

“Do people comment on your unusual mannerisms and habits?

“Do you feel tortured by clothes tags, clothes that are too tight or made in the ‘wrong material’?”

“Do you sometimes have an urge to jump over things?”

David’s answers to all of these questions — and more than 100 others — was an emphatic yes.

Kristen Finch had just given her unsuspecting husband a self-quiz to evaluate for Asperger’s syndrome, a condition on the autism spectrum. Her own score was 8 out of a possible 200. David’s was 155.

“It was very cathartic. It was this unbelievable moment of self-recognition,” David Finch tells NPR’s Melissa Block. “It gave me such insight into who I am, how my mind works and why certain things have been such a challenge.”

In his new book, The Journal of Best Practices, David Finch describes how he and Kristen worked to overcome his compulsions and sometimes anti-social behavior.

Kristen shared David’s relief at the diagnosis — but she wondered how she had missed the symptoms for so long, given that she had been trained to work with children with Asperger’s and on the autism spectrum.

Some of David’s behaviors — his insistence that groceries had to be bought from a certain store two towns away, his inability to read the newspaper because he was too distracted by its texture — she’d chalked up to him being “quirky.”

“He was always quirky, since high school when we were friends,” she says. “He’s always just done things a little bit differently, and it’s one of the things that I loved the most about him … I knew that he didn’t love to go out, I knew that he didn’t love barbecues and things like that. But I had no idea before the quiz that it wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy it, it was that he found it very difficult to do these things.”

David had also learned to be a skilled mimic of “normal” behavior — but he couldn’t rely on his social personae at home. His inability to support Kristen, who was struggling to raise their two small children, looked like selfishness.

In order to become more responsive and fluent in social cues, David started jotting down notes to himself — on napkins or the backs of envelopes — a series of “best practices,” small ways he could manage his Asperger’s: “Don’t change the radio station when Kristen’s singing along.” “Let Kristen shower in the morning without crowding her.” “Give the kids vitamins without asking Kristen a million steps and directions on how to do that.”

But some of the notes had nothing to do with Asperger’s, they were about how to be a better partner, on learning to listen and communicate. They were reminders to “use [his] words” and confide in his wife when troubled.

He even kept notes on how to how to be a better father. But one of his “best practices” — “Allow the children to participate in your daily routines” — proved heartrending.

One morning, he invited his 6-year-old daughter, Emily, to help make breakfast, only to discover bright, observant Emily had the routine down pat — compulsions included.

“When it was time to fill up the pot for hard-boiled eggs — she closed the faucet, opened it, closed it, opened it, closed it, tapped her forehead, opened it and closed it the same way that I do. And she’s like, ‘Like that, Daddy?’ And I was like, ‘No, sweetie.’ ”

“It’s kind of a good lesson,” Kristen adds. “That’s just how Daddy does things. We don’t have to do it that way, everyone doesn’t do it that way, but that’s the way Daddy does things.”

Excerpt: The Journal of Best Practices

From Introduction: Do all that you can to be worthy of her love.


I was thirty years old and had been married five years when I learned that I have Asperger syndrome, a relatively mild form of autism. My wife, Kristen, a speech therapist and autism expert, brought it to my attention one evening after harboring suspicions for years.

Receiving such a diagnosis as an adult might seem shocking and unsettling. It wasn’t. Eye-opening, yes. Life-changing, yes. But not distressing in the least. Strangely, it was rather empowering to discover that I had this particular condition. In fact, the diagnosis ultimately changed my life for the better.

I received the news the day before my niece was born. I remember this not because I’m a wonderful uncle but because she was born on March 14, 2008, which is well-known among my fellow nerds in the math and science communities as “Pi Day” because pi, the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, is equal to 3.14. Also 3 + 14 + 2 + 0 + 8 totals 27, which is divisible by 3, and I love numbers that are divisible by 3, particularly numbers whose digits sum to 27, of which 3 is the cube root. (Are you starting to see why Kristen had her suspicions?)

The day had been chaotic but really nothing out of the ordinary for two young working parents. Kristen was in the kitchen, trying to put it back in some kind of order, and I was upstairs saying good night to our kids. After walking with our ten-month-old son, Parker, in little circles around his dark room and whispering the lyrics of an Eric Clapton song until he fell asleep, I cuddled with our daughter, Emily, until her restless two-year-old squirming subsided and her breathing slowed and deepened. I crept out, whispering “I love you,” the words all but dissolving into the whir of her electric fan.

As I descended into the warm amber glow that bathed the first floor of our house, I could hear the hum of the dishwasher in the kitchen and the soft clunk of toys being put away in the playroom. Something was up; the house was never so tranquil right after the kids went to bed. Usually, the television was on, the kitchen was a disaster, and books and toys were scattered everywhere. I expected to find Kristen in her usual spot: sitting on the couch among stacks of paper and thick binders, her laptop resting on her legs as she feverishly prepared for the next day’s work. But everything was different that night.

In the kitchen, my dinner was cooling on the clean counter, and I felt an unusual sense of peace as I prepared for my evening routine. At eight thirty each night, after the kids have been put to bed, I circle the first floor, counterclockwise, starting in the kitchen, where I check to see if the patio door is locked. Then it’s back to the kitchen, where I usually wander around in circles until Kristen asks me what I’m doing.

But that night, before I began, Kristen approached me by the refrigerator in her pajamas and wrapped me in a tight hug.

“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Hello there.” I couldn’t remember the last time she had given me a hug for no particular reason. I hesitated for a moment, trying to play it cool, then squeezed her close.

“Hi,” she said into my chest. Her blond hair darkened to a shade of honey and shimmered lightly in the dimness. “Do you want some pizza?” she asked.

“Yeah, thanks for making it.”

“Sure,” she said. “When you’re ready, why don’t you bring it down to the basement?” Without letting go, she looked up at me and smiled. “There’s something I want to show you.”

“Okay, I’ll be right down.”

Understanding the importance of my routines, she playfully patted my butt and headed down to her office in the basement. Stunned by this rare and remarkable display of affection, I completed my rounds. I proceeded through the dining room and living room, then it was on to the foyer, where I always take a few moments to stare out the front window, visually lining up the neighbors’ rooftops (the alignment is the same every time, which is so gratifying it makes my shoulders relax, and for a moment my head is clear, my thoughts organized). As usual, I took note of which lights were on. I don’t normally shut them off, I just like to check in and see how they’re doing. Dining room light on, piano lamp not on, foyer not on, hallway on, kitchen off (that’s kind of rare … how ’bout it, kitchen?), oven hood on. I grabbed my pizza from the counter, swiped a Pepsi from the fridge, and made my way down the loud, clunky steps to Kristen’s office in our basement, where she was sitting in front of her computer. She turned and beamed at me.

“Sit here,” she said, pointing to the empty chair beside her. I had no idea what was going on, but there was pizza involved, and for the first time in weeks, I’d made her smile. Whatever it is, I’m in.

“Ready to get down to business?” she asked in a tone that seemed to suggest that I was.

I laughed. “Wet’s get down to bwass tacks!”

“Huh?” She looked thoroughly confused.

“It’s from Blazing Saddles. I’m ready.”

Embarrassed and disappointed that my movie reference tanked, I shoved my hands under my legs and swiveled back and forth in my chair.

“All right,” she said. “I’m going to ask you a list of questions, and you just have to answer honestly.” She must have realized that she was setting herself up by telling me to answer honestly. I tend to be verbose when people ask me to talk about myself; some would even say exhausting. I have no filter to limit my discourse to relevant things, and that puts people off. When I am invited to speak about myself, often what comes forth is the verbal equivalent of a volcanic eruption, spewing molten mind magma in every direction.

Continues …

From The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest To Be a Better Husband by David Finch. Copyright 2012 by David Finch. Excerpted by permission of Scribner, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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