My wife had a baby three months ago and she still won’t have sex with me. I’m trying to be patient but I’m getting desperate – could there be something wrong?
Of course there is something wrong. Three months ago, your wife pushed a baby the size of a watermelon out of her tiny vagina and for ten months prior to that, her body was pumped chock full of killer hormones specifically designed to attack counterproductive parenting characteristics such as the desire to diet, exercise, get wildly drunk or have rampant sex.
Pregnancy is natures way of annihilating the female ego to ensure that a woman is fully primed for her role as 24 hour milk slave to a baby who plans to dine between the hours of two and six in the morning, every morning, for the first six months of its life. Over a period of forty weeks it breaks down even the most resistant woman, and after the birth the drip-drip-drip-torture of no sleep further obliterates any sense of perspective.
Self esteem becomes entirely babycentric. A single smile makes up for the fact that a womans’ once pert breasts have become pendulous milk jugs and her nipples are now utilitarian teats. And because baby wants to be held all the time, and leakages and spit ups make getting dressed pretty pointless, even the most immaculately groomed madonna finds herself spending whole days plodding around the house in her nightie or watching day time telly with her boobs hanging out to aerate her chapped nipples.
Exhausted, the woman who once fought furiously to stay a size ten fuels herself on chocolate biscuits and takeways and turns a blind eye to the baby weight that stubbornly refuses to shift. So happy. And so beyond caring.
Motherhood is meant to ‘come naturally’ to women. And it does. But that doesn’t mean it is easy. No matter how well prepared a woman feels, no matter how many books she has read, or ante-natal classes she has attended, becoming a mother for the first time mother is a bit like being run over by an emotional steam roller. Every night.
Once the baby is born, nothing exists in the same way anymore. Life becomes a state of suspension and everything goes on hold until the snapper is robust enough to make it through the night. A new mother is constantly alert, constantly on guard and constantly wiped out. Every ounce of her energy and emotion is targetted towards her baby.
She cares so much about her newborn that she is willing to sacrifice anything for the welfare of the tiny defenseless scrap, even her relationship with her husband. As you can testify.
Your wife has been hypnotised by eight pounds of babygro with a button nose and you feel, understandably shafted. Its not fair. And you do have conjugal rights, but you can’t reason with biology. No matter how desperate you feel, until she cuts the umbilical cord she will continue to feel about as sexual as bowl of cold porridge.
The process of withdrawal usually begins with weaning, but depending on the woman, that can take anything from six months to sixty years. In the mean, time the only way to muscle in and stop the cosy twosome alienating you from your own home is to actively involve yourself in the affair.
Not only is it the fastest and most effective way to get back into your wife’s field of vision, it is a surprisingly seductive and rewarding experience in itself. Men who engage with their children while they are babies bond much more strongly with them but unfortunately, although new mothers like to broadcast how tiring everything is, they are often remarkably reluctant to share the responsibility with anyone else.
If your wife resists your efforts get involved, persist, because it will be the Athena poster vision of your manly torso cradling your babies soft skin that makes her rediscover her sexual feelings for you. Well, that and the fact that she is already planning a little brother or sister….