For years, decades, I have suffered from extremely low self-esteem. All around me, functional vaginas boast about how great it feels to climax with a penis, but I can’t do it. I get excited, wet even. And I love the sensation of penetration as much as any other vagina, but I just never get to the point where I shudder and shake and explode with excitement.
My inability to produce an orgasm has left me feeling completely redundant. Initially, I thought I might be suffering from shyness. After all, with a little bit of clitoral stimulation I can orgasm on my own, no problem. But with a penis inside me? Forget it.
I tried self-help, but that left me feeling even more inadequate. Not only am I dysfunctional, I seem to be missing bits that other vaginas have too. After studying Beverly Whipple’s “The G Spot” (the book I mean, not her actual G-spot), I spent months of searching for mine, but in the end I had to conclude that I didn’t have one. That was a huge blow. I thought Naomi Wolfe might be more supportive because she named her book after me. But no, she was all about the rejuvenating properties of the penetrative orgasm too.
I tried reading academic papers but they were even more depressing. According to Sigmund Freud I am immature. According to Susan Oakley I am too far away from my clitoris. According to Stuart Brody I don’t have the right walk, or pouty lips, or sensitive enough fingers. No wonder I’m confused.
Anyway, a recent paper in the journal Clinical Anatomy has shone a ray of light into my dark tunnel. The Italian sexologists Vincenzo Puppo and his co-author Giulia Puppo (who I am guessing has a vagina too) have written a virtually incomprehensible article arguing for clarity with regard to the labelling of female genital anatomy and female orgasm.
The paper is littered with terminology that I don’t really understand (I am only a vagina after all) and they, rather insensitively describe me as a female penis, but who cares about bad translation, when the research gives voice to something that I’ve wanted to hear all my life.
The Puppo’s most important declaration is that vaginal and G-spot orgasms do not exist and the only path to climax is direct clitoral stimulation. Obviously, this news turns years of self-loathing on it’s head for me. I can finally love my labia and cuddle my clitoris without feeling like I am a failure.
Because it contains the words ‘penis’, ‘vagina’ and ‘orgasm’, the Puppo’s otherwise dry as a bone research paper has been plastered all over the tabloid newspapers, but that’s great for me too. Penises mostly read the red tops, so I’m more likely to get some clitoral stimulation next time I meet one.
I’m curious to know how all those previously smug vaginas will explain their penetrative orgasms now though.